It can be hard feeling so sick on the inside and looking “fine” on the outside. You also have to deal with people challenging your right to accessible parking spaces, store scooters, and even medical care. Since there is usually no way to tell the difference between someone with an invisible disability (ID) and a faker, I usually go with,”be kind, everyone you know is fighting their own battle”. One in every 5 Americans has a disability and many disabilities are invisible. Many of us get comments that we are faking being sick, when in reality, most of the time we are faking being well. We put on a smile and continue on with our lives despite the lack of energy, the intense pain, and feelings of hopelessness. To those of you who are close to me, you have seen me with my guard down, but for others you may have no idea I am in pain every day of my life. I don’t mention this for pity or to complain but more so in attempts to open up a dialogue, even if just an internal one. I want take this post and this week to spread awareness, compassion, and answer people’s questions if they have them. The love and support that y’all have given in various ways and modes truly amazes me.
Okay… so I wanted to touch on a bunch of different things that don’t have another home. I’m feeling very brain foggy/disorganized so if none of this makes sense… then it’ll probably at least be entertaining.
#1: How long it takes to get anything done in the medical world
Let me preface this with I ABSOLUTELY know this is not all on the medical professionals. There’s shit with insurance, documentation guidelines, hospital rules and regulations, and just overweighted caseload that influence this issue. But seriously, it gets ridiculous.
- I met with a new GI July 22nd. He seemed on top of his game, familiar with my conditions, and agreed that action needs to be taken to get by nutrition etc back on track. He had lots of medical history, former testing, current summary… everything he needed. He ordered a SmartPill test (camera pill you swallow and it takes pictures and does testing as it goes through your GI tract… pretty cool) and an upper and lower scope (sticking cameras up your arse and down your throat…yum). I had already had a gastric emptying test to diagnose gastroparesis (delayed stomach emptying), but we had no idea the motility of my intestines or if they absorb any of the nutrients. Fast forward 4 weeks until my scheduled SmartPill test swallow. I had to go off all GI meds for a week (which means not only more of the daily yuck but near constant acid coming up my throat), get a ride to the hospital, fast beforehand, take off work etc etc. I get there and they’re (nurses) doing the pre-procedure checklist. They get to question #3 “do you have any implanted devices?”… “yes… but the doc knows about it… we talked about it” “Let me give him a call” *comes back 10 minutes later* “I’m sorry, the implant disqualifies you from doing this test, I have to cancel it… the doctor will give you a call (lol jk)”. Okay, so waste of time. I messaged my doc later (shock and awe… he never called) and asked if we could schedule the only other test one can do to get the same data as the SmartPill. His response: we will talk about it next appointment. So you’re thinking aight… that’s okay. Wrong. Not only is his first available not until mid-November, but his office won’t schedule any follow-up appointment until after I complete, and get the results back from the scope scheduled for September 14. So basically I’m SOL until at least December timeframe…. assuming that visit won’t just mean going over EGD results and him ordering the same test I asked him about months earlier. Don’t worry guys…it’s only nutrition.
- It took my PT 3 weeks to write and sign a sentence saying “patient needs new custom wheelchair back to maintain posture and for support”.
- It has taken my doc 5+ weeks (he was on vacation for one but still) to write and sign a prescription, note, and LOMN saying “patient needs custom bilateral AFOS”.
- I’ve been waiting for records from one doctor for 13 months despite several verbal and written reminders to him and his staff.
But you are so young… words that pierce a hole right through my sternum. Yes, I am young but unfortunately chronic illnesses don’t ask for ID. Yes, I am young but I know kids, young adults, adults, and seniors with chronic illnesses. Nobody tells a diabetic kid they can’t be sick because they’re too young! Yet we (spoonies of various illnesses) get it all the time. My passport and birth certificate concur that I am 21. I am young but anyone who has heard the snaps and cracks of putting my joints back in place before I get out of bed each morning would swear that I am 80. I am young but take more medication and supplements than my grandparents. I am young but I wake up each morning to face a monster that knows my name, my fears, and my limits. I am young but my calendar is that of a retiree: volunteering with doctors appointments and physical therapy to fill in the gaps. I am young but I have friends my age and younger fighting for their lives and few that lost their battle already. I may not look sick, or I may, but I feel sick. I feel these disease nestle into every nook and cranny of my body. I put on a smile to mask the pain and refuse to slow down for the fear that I will be eaten whole by the flames. As Plato said, “be kind, everyone you know is fighting a hard battle”. While many of these comments aren’t said with ill intent, they can be destructive to someone not quite back up on their feet. I suggest going with a complement not related to pain, illness, or weight for the general population. My heart broke the other day when a fellow friend with gastroparesis (stomach paralysis) told me (after losing a lot of weight do to sickness and malnourishment) her mom had told her she looks better “lighter” after she had just been talking to her mom about how she’s really struggling with her GP. Pro-tip: Try crawling around in our bodies in your mind. If you were in constant pain and feeling defeated, would you want someone to tell you “you don’t look sick!”? Even if with good intentions the answer would probably be no. You can always ask instead how we are doing or if we have seen any good movies recently (chances are if it is a spoonie the answer is YES…we watch a lot of Netflix… 😉 ).