Dear Medical Professionals

I want you to know your dedication, passion, and intelligence doesn’t go unnoticed. As a disabled young adult with complex conditions, I have had more interaction with you than my peers, my parents, and their parents. My life has been saved by you and your peers countless times and your knowledge, compassion, and care has given me the opportunity for a life outside of the hospital. For that and many other reasons I am grateful. In the many hours of I have spent interacting with all of you, I feel as though I get to know many of you well. From that, as well as my experience working in the medical field, I write to you this post in hopes that you hear me, the me that is uneffected by my social anxiety, acute medical condition, or time. I hope that some perspective is gained from this but at the very least I hope you read it and know that I am still here with the same appreciation for who you are and what you do.

I have several complex medical conditions, many which lack education and understanding within the medical community and some which are vague/hidden enough that by their clinical presentation could be any number of things. I have issues that present “atypically” “weird” or “just don’t fit” with the models you were trained on. It is very annoying by the way. I have been misdiagnosed, mistreated, and misinterpreted more times than I can count. (For a great article on that, read this!) I am thankful that over time, more knowledge and direction has come my way and we now have a decent understanding of what is “wrong” with me (though of course there are still plenty of mysteries). Due to my experiences, I struggle in how to approach new providers. Yes, I have anxiety but this is more than that. Ultimately, with each new interaction the thought that runs through my head, and many of my chronically ill friend’s heads, is how do I need to act/present things to be taken seriously but not be flagged as crazy, too knowledgable (yes, unfortunately thats a thing), or disrespectful of the professionals knowledge/training. Interacting with you comes in two forms for me, voluntary or involuntary (emergency situations) but both come automatically come with the same calculations.

How do I explain that my dystonia might not look like primary dystonia, because it’s not, but is caused by mast cell activation in the brain possibly tied with my connective tissue disorder also maybe my autonomic dysfunction and we can’t really test any of those to confirm them but this is not a new problem and from many months of trial and error we have found that treating it with xyz is most effective even though that contradicts the treatment for primary dystonia but yes, I know this its just not primary dystonia and I can’t prove it and I can’t show it to you but I have world renowned specialists helping me navigate this impossible situation and I don’t want it to seem like I am trying to undermine your knowledge and experience as a doctor but also know that it is likely your training and experience didn’t cover this because the human body is so complex and more and more diseases and processes are being discovered every day so how on earth could we train humans to know all that and be able to draw upon it at a moments notice in order to treat a patient quickly, safely and effectively?

In my mind, I try to judge who is open to the fact that they can be a great doctor and not know everything and that, in cases where people have weird, rare, or complex issues, your knowledge base might not cover what is needed to help that person and that is okay. I try and judge who might see my medical knowledge from starting nursing school, working in the medical field in many settings, managing my conditions, and just an interest as something negative or as a red flag for attention seeking, faking, or crazy. I try and judge if they might be able to see me beyond what I look like in that moment. I try and judge who might be having a bad day so that I can modulate myself as much as possible to make that day less bad. I try and judge who might get my sarcastic, dark sense of humor and who I need to be literal with. I try and judge how you will react when you get a test result back that is normal, even though things are clearly not normal. I try and judge who is reading this and thinking man, she is super anxious (yes, yes I am) or man, which doctor screwed her over that gave her this chip on her shoulder. It may suprise you that who I am today and how I approach this has been shaped by hundreds of experiences — good and bad — over more than 10 years of being sick.

I want you to know that I understand what its like to be in a stressful job where there are patterns to patient behavior. There are frequent flyers, red flags, abusers of the system. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to, especially in a setting like a emergency department, parse out who the abusers are and who aren’t. I know, especially if you’ve read this far, you care about your patients and do not want to do harm. I know the pressure to make the right decision is high and that is really hard. I hope that by sharing some of the things I got through, often before I even see you, it may help you understand patients like me.

-Your chronically ill patient

My Truths: Yammerings of a newly 24 year old

Disclaimer: This is not a J.K. Rowling post. I have no idea how it ends writing it now. It may make no sense ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. This is basically just a list of some random thoughts.

I believe you can accept and love yourself and still want to change parts of yourself.
I believe the ability to adapt is crucial to finding happiness.
I believe that differences are necessary for society.
I believe that artists and musicians do more for the greater mental health of our stress ball of a society than we give them credit and resources to do.
I believe we can all benefit from giving more people the benefit of doubt.
I believe that vulnerability is critical to human connection.
I believe that there are times to push and times to rest in life and that finding the perfect balance may be impossible but we shouldn’t stop trying.
I believe that sickness can be a big, important part of your life and still not define you.

All I Can Eat App

WHERE HAS THIS BEEN ALL MY LIFE? This app, available for free (with bottom ads) on iOS and Google Play store and is an app designed to help people with food intolerances find foods without xyz or low in xyz. The categories are customizable and you can turn on/off intolerances at any time and the search parameters will adjust.

The app allows you to search for foods that contain the following: lactose, fructose, histamine, gluten, sorbitol, and salicyclic acid. There is a search function, you can look up foods by category, and even input your own custom foods or meals. This app is very exciting from a mast cell perspective as it can be difficult to find information on histamine levels in foods but can really be helpful for anyone with food allergies or intolerances or who are on specific diets.

Below are some screenshots of what the app looks like, and how it is laid out. I have not tested it for accessibility yet, but will update if I do. This post is not sponsored or affiliated in anyway, I was just thankful someone showed it to me!

Categorical database
Search function
Sample information

Feeding Tube Awareness

February 4-8th was Feeding Tube Awareness Week. This post will be mostly about types of feeding tubes and feeding as well as some possible reasons why someone might use a feeding tube as I have found few people actually know much about tubes. Ideally, I will also be creating posts about tips and tricks for living with a feeding tube and my experience as a young adult who uses a feeding tube. *lol I tried to get it done on the actual week*

Types of Feeding Tubes

Nasal Tubes

The two main types of nasal (up the nose) tubes are nasogastric (NG) and nasojejunal (NJ) tubes. These are thin, flexible tubes that are inserted through the nose. Both tubes are primarily for temporary and trial use and can often look similar from the outside. The main difference between these two tubes is where they go inside the body. These tubes can be left for 2-6 weeks per tube.

NG tubes are tubes that are inserted through the nose, go down your throat, and end in your stomach. These tubes are common inpatient and outpatient for acute needs or for temporary trialing of tube feeds, however, some patients chose to use NG tubes long term as (with training) they can be inserted and removed at home and therefore can only be on their face while feeding (usually at night in those cases)

NJ tubes are tubes that are inserted through the nose, go down your throat, through your stomach and the first part of your small intestine and into your jejunum. These tubes are less common and need to be inserted by a doctor with imaging to guide the tube into the right place. Many patients have NJ tubes if they have significant vomiting, have an improperly functioning stomach, or cannot tolerate feeding into their stomachs.

Surgical Tubes

There are three main types of surgically (or endoscopically) placed feeding tubes: gastrostomy (G tube), jejunostomy (J/ “straight J” tube), and a gastrojejunostomy (GJ tube). While these are considered more permanent tubes, they can be removed if the tube is no longer needed. These tubes are placed by creating a stoma, or opening that allows the tube to connect to the stomach or intestine, essentially it is an extreme body piercing.

Low profile G tube on left, traditional g tube on right

Within these options there are also some differentiations based on the type of tubing and the securement device. Options vary from traditional tube (aka danglers) to low-profile tubes that sit more flush with the skin. Tubes can also vary in how they are held in place on the inside: balloon (filled with water), a hard bumper, or a capsule shaped bumper. Most tubes need to be changed out every couple of months but some can be changed out at home by the user!

That girl has a feeding tube but just ate some cookies! They must not need the tube!

There are many different reasons why someone may need a feeding tube. Some people are able to eat and drink and still needing a feeding tube. This can happen either because they have a very restricted or unreliable diet/food tolerance or because they cannot eat or drink enough to sustain themselves purely on oral intake. Some people can eat, but it makes them very sick and so they only eat on special occasions, however there are plenty of people with feeding tubes who cannot eat or drink at all (NPO). Whether someone can or can’t eat orally does not correlate to how much they need a feeding tube or how sick they are!

What are some reasons someone needs a feeding tube?

There are countless diagnoses that may require a feeding tube such as dysphagia, cancer, gastroparesis, mast cell disorder, IBD, spinal cord injury, muscular dystrophy, ALS, MS, and many many more! Generally, people who need feeding tubes either: have difficulty swallowing, difficulty digesting/absorbing their food, have risk for aspiration (breathing food into lungs), cannot chew, have multiple food allergies, or have a gastrointestinal disorder that impairs their digestive tract.

#rarediseaseday

Wednesay is Rare Disease Day 2018! This is a day dedicated to people who live with rare diseases, awareness of rare diseases, fundraising for research, treatments and cures, and a day for those of us with rare diseases to share our stories. graphic about rare disease day with logo

Living with a rare disease can be incredibly isolating and at times, frustrating, scary and challenging. You get used to knowing more (or anything) about your disease even when talking to medical professionals. You get anxious trying new things or going new places in case something happens and the medical staff don’t know your condition. Every year during rare disease day I strive to spread awareness not only for rare diseases (most of which have no cure), but also for orphan drugs and the researchers and companies supplying them. Orphan drugs are drugs that are designed for a problem or disease that is rare. They often struggle to find funding and complete clinical trials and most do not get through the trial phase. Additionally, if these medications or therapies do make it past clinical trials, they are often ridiculously expensive (think >$10,000).

For a list of known rare diseases click here

Alphabet Soup that is Mast Cell Disorders

Once you’ve racked up enough diagnoses and spent enough time in hospitals the lingo starts piling up and it can get confusing but I held on. Until I got to mast cell disorders and mmmaaannn it is alphabet soup up in here. MCAD, SM, ASM, IgE, HSCs, H, UFH, DAMPs, PAMPS, ATP, TNF, and more! The good thing is you could read one article about this stuff, memorize it and sound REALLY smart rattling it back off at some party. Furthermore, mast cell disorders are not well known, relatively newly discovered, and effect each patient differently. Simple right?

diagram of the role of histamine

So here is my attempt to spell (badumchh) it out for you guys. If you haven’t already, read my intro posts to mast cells here.

Types of Mast Cell Disorders

Mastocytosis (rare)
- Cutaneous Mastocytosis
- Indolent Systemic Mastocytosis
- Systemic Mastocytosis with clonal hematologic non-mast cell lineage disease
- Systemic Smoldering Mastocytosis
- Aggressive Systemic Mastocytosis
- Mast Cell Leukemia
- Mast Cell Sarcoma
Mast Cell Activation Disorder (MCAD)
*note: Mast Cell Activation Disorder and Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) are the SAME disorder BUT they are not the same as the term “Mast Cell Disorders” which is an umbrella term for Mastocytosis and MCAD*

Difference between Systemic Mastocytosis (SM) and Mast Cell Activation Disorder (MCAD)

*note again: I don’t know enough about other forms of mastocytosis to formulate anything useful*

When looked at basically, the main difference between SM and MCAD is MCAD patients have the normal amount of mast cells in their bodies, they are just hyperactive and hypersensitive vs SM patients have too many mast cells throughout their bodies and they build up in various organs and cause issues. Symptoms of both can be identical and like most conditions, follow a spectrum from mildly affected to severely affected and can easily be life-threatening. High risks for both include anaphylaxis, severe bleeding from heparin release, seizures, organ damage from mast cell accumulation, even multiple system failure in severe cases.

Common Treatments and Therapies

*note: I do not know of everything, this list is by no means exhaustive*

H1 Antihistamines (stabilize one type of histamine, mainly hives, headaches, nausea): hydroxyzine HCl (Atarax), diphenhydramine (Benadryl), cyproheptadine (Periactin), cetirizine (Zyrtec), levocetirizine (Xyzal), fexofenadine (Allegra), loratadine (Claratin), desloratadine (Clarinex)
H2 Antihistamines (stabilize a different type histamine, mainly GI): famotidine (Pepcid), Nizatidine (Axid), Ranitidine (Zantac)
Mast Cell stabilizers: cromolyn sodium (Gastrocrom), quercetin, luteolin, asprin (if allowed)
Leukotrine Inhibitors (respiratory): montelukast (Singulair), zafirlukast (Accolate), zileuton (Zyflo)
*if you don’t feel like these are fictional sci-fi names by now… just wait*
Xolair (omalizumab): this is an injection that was originally marketed for asthma but works to desensitize the body. Must be taken at an office every time, can be very expensive and hard to get covered by insurance, can have different reactions at different times. That being said I know people who have had amazing results from it
Epinephrine injection (EpiPen & AuviQ) for anaphylaxis or anaphylactoid reactions
Diphenhydramine injection (Benedryl IV/IM) for those who react poorly to epi or as a first response for reactions or if patient can’t take oral medications

All right folks. Think that’s enough to chew on for now. More later to come later! slot hanging on to pole with text "my energy level on any given day is equal to that of a sloth on Ambien"

When Life Gives You Lemons… Put On Your Mask and Gloves

Living with a mast cell disorder is like being a human and trying to live on Mars, you’re living in a world that is dangerous, unknown and clearly not made for you to be there. It is becoming really really good at adapting because your health and well being depend on it. It can be tricky, but it is not impossible.

Mast cells are a type of white blood cell that play a major role in immune function and allergic reactions. Mast cells are formed in your bone marrow and are located throughout your body but with clusters in your marrow, stomach, skin, heart, lungs and brain. These cells are mediator cells meaning that they contain certain hormones and chemicals and the release of such chemicals/mediators can happen when your body senses something is wrong and triggers the mast cells. This is commonly called mast cell activation.

Mast cells carry several different mediators and each mediator has an effect on the body. The most common and well researched are the mediators histamine, tryptase and heparin. Histamine release is the driving force behind allergic reactions and the well known symptoms that come with those (hives, rash, swelling, headache, GI upset). When you take benedryl, you are taking a class of drug called antihistamines which help reduce and calm down released histamine. Important clarification, mast cell reactions are not the same thing as “true/IgE mediated allergies”. Unlike “true allergies” mast cell reactions can be triggered by different things at different times and triggers can be things like heat and emotions.

mc mediators.jpg — Mast cell mediators and the symptoms they cause

Mast cell disorders are systemic and complicated disorders that can vary greatly from patient to patient. For me, my mast cells have reacted to everything from coughing to the sun, to peanuts one day and not the next. I have had more anaphylactoid reactions then I can count and have to carry several emergency meds with me at all times. I wear masks in public because cigarette smoke and perfume are some of my worst triggers. Yet despite all these precautions and more, I still maintain a constant reactive state and always run the risk of spontaneous anaphylaxis. Sometimes it isn’t even possible to figure off what started a reaction… it is frustrating to say the least. That being said, it makes you a master at adapting and very very aware of chemicals in foods and products. This is a really big topic to chew off so I plan to do several posts about it if I don’t bore you all silly.

mcas meme.jpg — Bad Luck Brain Meme: Develops and allergic reaction to his allergy medicine.

Majoring in Chronic Illness Management with a Minor in Applied Nursing

Seriously guys. Every time I hear those commercials for continuing education that say things like, “get credit for military experience!” or “use job skills to get an accelerated degree!” I think… man… if only they gave out degrees keeping yourself alive with chronic illnesses. I have a lot of spoonie friends and every single one of them should get to add C.P.P. (certified professional patient) to the end of their title in addition to an honorary nursing degree for many of them. For those of you who don’t get a peak into this aspect of my life, here are some of the behind the scenes tasks needed to function.

Medication Management

This takes up SO. MUCH. FREAKIN. TIME. You have to make sure all your meds are cleared with all your specialists because they don’t chat, you have to make sure no new meds will kill you (allergies, interactions, effect on other conditions), you have to get the script, send it to the pharmacy (assuming they have it), pick it up or set up shipment, keep track of refills, separately order all your OTC meds and supplements, sort out medication or check if medication is presorted correctly, make sure any ED staff, EMS, or doctor can access what prescriptions you are on at any point in time, fight insurance, pay bills, likely deal with 2-3 pharmacies, infusion companies, specialty pharmacies, mail order pharmacies, and actually remember to take them and have rescue meds with you at all times. But yeah… just that. Add secretary and applied pharmacist to your CV.

Appointment Scheduling, Cancellations, and Heckling

This one might be my LEAST favorite. Doctors and other medical professionals have a HUGE range in availability, responsiveness, attitudes towards collaboration and remote patient contact. I hate talking on the phone. I hate talking to people I don’t know in general. People find it hard to understand me and I have a hard time understanding them. It isn’t a great combo. But I do it because I have to. Generally, my team falls into two categories: can see you within the week or can see you in the next 3-9 months. While I totally get the deal with both types, it can be more than frustrating for something to come up in between your 3-9 month follow ups. I am currently playing phone tag and portal spamming with my GI teams because things need getting done but have been less than successful.

As mycharliequinn so aptly explains going to the doctor as a spoonie: “going to the doctor when you’re chronically ill is weird. It’s like imagine everything in your house is on fire, and you’re standing there and the fire department come[s] in like, describe the fire to me and maybe we can find out what caused it and put it out. And you can’t just say everything so you’re like… well the fire in the curtain is the biggest but the fire in the photo albums might be doing the most damage also the fire in the couch is really inconvenient. Occasionally the fire guy is like, well your tv is on fire so it might be electronic- fireitus but that would cause other things like fire in the DVD player. And you’re like, oh yes. That’s been on fire for years. I forgot to mention it because it’s always been a relatively small fire. It’s right next to the bookshelf which has much more fire. And then the fire guy is like, oh. I wouldn’t worry about that, book shelf fire just happens sometimes.”

Attending your “Weekly” Appointments

For me, I am currently on a “rather empty” schedule with weekly PT and Aqua PT sessions and biweekly infusions. Just getting those scheduled and being able to get to them and participate takes a lot of spoons and most of my schedule is based off these events.

Decide When to Brave Emergency Departments

Practically have an algorithm this one now but can be tricky, especially considering the “luck of the draw” on if your ED team has even heard of your conditions, actually pays attention to your chart, or can do anything to help. Chronic illnesses often leave you in this limbo where you’re not about to drop dead but not okay enough to stay home and NO WAY can get in to see your 3-9 month doc who manages that kind of stuff. It can be awkward for everyone.

I’m invisible… You can’t see me!

Lol but actually in case you couldn’t tell by the cheeseball title, I plan to ramble on about invisible disabilities because it’s invisible disabilities week! It’s pretty self explanatory but an invisible disability is any disability that can not be seen and has no major visual manifestations. Examples include: diabetes, depression, EDS, lupus, schizophrenia, anxiety, Lyme etc. Some examples of visible disabilities might include: Down Syndrome, spinal cord injury, amputation, blindness, or muscular dystrophy.

It can be hard feeling so sick on the inside and looking “fine” on the outside. You also have to deal with people challenging your right to accessible parking spaces, store scooters, and even medical care. Since there is usually no way to tell the difference between someone with an invisible disability (ID) and a faker, I usually go with,”be kind, everyone you know is fighting their own battle”. One in every 5 Americans has a disability and many disabilities are invisible. Many of us get comments that we are faking being sick, when in reality, most of the time we are faking being well. We put on a smile and continue on with our lives despite the lack of energy, the intense pain, and feelings of hopelessness. To those of you who are close to me, you have seen me with my guard down, but for others you may have no idea I am in pain every day of my life. I don’t mention this for pity or to complain but more so in attempts to open up a dialogue, even if just an internal one. I want take this post and this week to spread awareness, compassion, and answer people’s questions if they have them. The love and support that y’all have given in various ways and modes truly amazes me.

Since I kinda missed EDS awareness in May except a blog post, I’m going to try and make an ID/EDS etc awareness video… Eventually. If I do, I will post the link here.

WARNING: Might just be one long rant…

Okay… so I wanted to touch on a bunch of different things that don’t have another home. I’m feeling very brain foggy/disorganized so if none of this makes sense… then it’ll probably at least be entertaining.
#1: How long it takes to get anything done in the medical world
Let me preface this with I ABSOLUTELY know this is not all on the medical professionals. There’s shit with insurance, documentation guidelines, hospital rules and regulations, and just overweighted caseload that influence this issue. But seriously, it gets ridiculous.
Some examples:

I met with a new GI July 22nd. He seemed on top of his game, familiar with my conditions, and agreed that action needs to be taken to get by nutrition etc back on track. He had lots of medical history, former testing, current summary… everything he needed. He ordered a SmartPill test (camera pill you swallow and it takes pictures and does testing as it goes through your GI tract… pretty cool) and an upper and lower scope (sticking cameras up your arse and down your throat…yum). I had already had a gastric emptying test to diagnose gastroparesis (delayed stomach emptying), but we had no idea the motility of my intestines or if they absorb any of the nutrients. Fast forward 4 weeks until my scheduled SmartPill test swallow. I had to go off all GI meds for a week (which means not only more of the daily yuck but near constant acid coming up my throat), get a ride to the hospital, fast beforehand, take off work etc etc. I get there and they’re (nurses) doing the pre-procedure checklist. They get to question #3 “do you have any implanted devices?”… “yes… but the doc knows about it… we talked about it” “Let me give him a call” *comes back 10 minutes later* “I’m sorry, the implant disqualifies you from doing this test, I have to cancel it… the doctor will give you a call (lol jk)”. Okay, so waste of time. I messaged my doc later (shock and awe… he never called) and asked if we could schedule the only other test one can do to get the same data as the SmartPill. His response: we will talk about it next appointment. So you’re thinking aight… that’s okay. Wrong. Not only is his first available not until mid-November, but his office won’t schedule any follow-up appointment until after I complete, and get the results back from the scope scheduled for September 14. So basically I’m SOL until at least December timeframe…. assuming that visit won’t just mean going over EGD results and him ordering the same test I asked him about months earlier. Don’t worry guys…it’s only nutrition.
It took my PT 3 weeks to write and sign a sentence saying “patient needs new custom wheelchair back to maintain posture and for support”.
It has taken my doc 5+ weeks (he was on vacation for one but still) to write and sign a prescription, note, and LOMN saying “patient needs custom bilateral AFOS”.
I’ve been waiting for records from one doctor for 13 months despite several verbal and written reminders to him and his staff.

#2: My two cents on the Epipen bull:

As someone who is literally allergic to life (sunlight, heat, cold, stress, talking, meds etc) and must always have Epi on my person and has unfortunately had many uses of the autoinjectors I am pissed. But not just by Mylan (jerk face mcugly butts) jacking up the price of Epipens (500%), but the fact that I have multiple friends who have to make the choice between life-saving medicine, therapy, and treatments and feeding themselves or their kids.

And we aren’t even talking about those without insurance. Most of my friends are lucky enough to have some form of health insurance (even if its crappy) and are still drowning in bills and medical debt. There is not a single day that there isn’t a medical bill arriving at my house and that is just ERs, hospitals, and doctor’s bills. Plus medicine, devices, PT, testing, surgery, and prolotherapy (not covered by any insurance as it is “experimental”). I have been incredibly blessed with kick-ass insurance (although still a PITA) and to be able to stay afloat in the bills. Despite all kinds of preventative and prophylactic treatments, there is still only so much you can do to keep ahead of things and emergencies still happen. Epipens also only are viable for a year. They come in a 2 pack but most need more to keep one at school, one in the car, and one on your person. For most, it is now cheaper to go to the ER for anaphylaxis treatment than to use their Epipens. Honestly, all I got is “fuck you Mylan”. No excuses, epinephrine is cheap, autoinjectors are relatively cheap. Not to mention their tax evasion strategies.

#3: Depression

Since the people who 1) even read this blog and 2) read all the way til now and aren’t asleep from boredom are probably the people who care, I saved this one for last. As some of you have noticed, I’ve been dipping into another depressive phase. Depression and me are buddies now so it’s cool. It is also normal and a big part of chronic illness so don’t go panic on me. So don’t be alarmed if I’m a) super clingy and annoying or b) super avoidant and grumpy gills … that’s kinda just how it goes. See previous post RE: things you can do to help.

Aight. That’s all for now….